8-03-07 -

Wow! I'm starting my 8th year on guaifenesin! And what miraculous changes have taken place in my health! So many times I wanted to give up those first two years on the treatment. I’m so glad that I kept with it and can now experience the reward of much improved health. Every day, those first few years, I had to make a choice to keep going and not quit. To persevere in the face of pain, brain fog, emotional instability and horrible fatigue. My determination has paid off! God faithfully gave me the courage and resolve, helping me once again! What a wonderful God I have!

8-03-07 - (email sent to family and friends) - These versus in Psalms (The Message) have comforted and encouraged my heart these last couple months:

"I've run to you for dear life. I'm hiding under your wings until the hurricane blows over. I call out to High God the God who holds me together." Ch. 57: 1,2

"Pile you troubles on God's shoulders-he'll carry your load, he'll help you out." Ch. 55:22

You've kept track of every toss and turn through the sleepless nights. Each tear entered in your ledger each ache written in your book." Ch. 56:8

"God you did everything you promised, and I'm thanking you with all my heart. You pulled my feet from the cliff-edge of doom." Ch. 56:13

"When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God. What can mere mortals do?" Ch. 56: 3,4

When Gary told me he wanted to divorce me on June 3rd, my world fell apart. God has a huge ledger with my name on it and all the tears I've cried. But I haven't been alone. I've had my children and you, my family and friends, who have supported me and helped me cope. Thank you each for your concern, prayers and calls. God used each one of you to encourage me when I most needed it.

Gary has abandoned me, but God hasn't. The same God who has faithfully helped me cope and get through years of debilitation with fibromyalgia is the same God who is ever-present and just ready to help when I call on Him. I've had many days when I wake up and say, "God, I can't get through today without You. Be my peace. Calm the turmoil that goes around and around in my mind. I don't even know how to feel or what thoughts to think. Give me thoughts that will help me get through this time when everything seems turned upside down."

God has faithfully met my children's needs and my own and has answered our cry for help. What a wonderful God we have! As I choose to trust Him and depend on Him for all I need, He will get me and the kids through this difficult time. He's proven Himself over and over to me in the past and I know He won't fail me or my children this time either. What a faithful God we have!

It took me 6 weeks to find an apartment. Evidently June is not a good time to move. I felt like a vagabond. Instead of pushing carts around, I was hauling my things around in my car. I spent the first two weeks with Cherylyn, the next two with Tye and Shelly. Then flew to Missouri and spent a wonderful week with my sister Cheryl and her husband, Rob and daughter Kirsten and her baby, Justice. We spent several afternoons out on the lake where I soaked up the sun and was able to forget about a life that was falling apart. When I came back, I spent another week with Tye and Shelly before I finally found an apartment.

Looking back, God knew I wasn't ready to live in an apartment all by myself the first two months when I was trying to adjust to managing my finances, heal a broken heart and spend a lot of time in the Bible and praying. When I lived with Cherylyn the first two weeks, she was at work most of the time. This was good because I was able to cry and grieve alone. I wrote 55 pages in my journal those first two weeks. Then living with Tye and Shelly and enjoying Nathan, my grandson, helped get life in perspective again...life goes on...

I've been so blessed with my children. They've each had a part in helping Mom get relocated and settled. I love my apartment. It's a one bedroom with a washer and dryer and a built-in alarm (God knew I would sleep better having that!) Gary mostly wanted only what's in his bedroom, so the apartment is nicely furnished with what fits that was in the rest of our house.

I'm so thankful to God that He led me to the guaifenesin treatment and my health has improved so much! The apartment had new carpet put in two days before I moved in. Between the emotional trauma, the new paint, new carpet and all other new stress, I should have had a relapse. I haven't. I'm doing well. Praise the Lord!

9-20-07 – (email sent to friends and family) September 18th, Gary and my divorce became final. I resumed taking my guaifenesin the first part of August. Since I was experiencing weepy days anyways, I decided to go back on guai. I’m actually feeling even better than I was in May. I upped my 600mg a day dose to adding 200mg quick-acting guai twice a day. My purges are a little harder, but over sooner. I've been real happy with the guai I'm buying from Marina Del Rey, which I had switched to last April.

I will have to work full-time. Eventually, I hope to get enough hours working in the office at Tye and Shelly's gymnastic gym. This involves taking payments, enrolling new clients, schedule changes, transfers to other levels and other responsibilities that running a gym entails. I'm also learning how to enter data for the accounting Tye does for his two businesses.

Pray for me and especially for my brain that it will be able to retain all the information I'm having to learn. I still have problems with brain fog that some days can be quite debilitating. For the most part, my health continues to improve with no set-backs from the emotional stress I've endured these past three months. Praise God! Yeah for Guai!

How am I feeling? Scared! Insecure! But I know these feelings are normal after having been married to a man for 35 years who took care of all financial needs and problems and is now gone. Now it's just me and God and of course, my dear children who have stood by my side and supported me during this difficult time and my many friends.

vs. 1b,2 "I have summoned you by name, you are mine (...everyone who is called by my name, whom I've created for my glory, whom I've formed and made. vs.7)

When (not if) you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fires, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

As I meditated on these versus they seemed to be a picture of my life so far. The description given seems to go from less intense to more severe:

My time in Bahia Negra, Paraguay, was passing through the waters. (A description of this time is in My Missionary Journal)

My time here in San Antonio battling a debilitating disease was a time of passing through rivers that almost pulled me under.

As I remember the first two, I remember God's faithfulness to me during all those years. Never once did He forsake me. Yes, at times it seemed as though His presence had, but His grace was always there. I know that God is a God who keeps His promises. I know that from experience. And I truly believe HE will not forsake me now. I will choose to trust Him for His guidance and for His abundant grace that is given to those in time of need.

I was not put here on earth to be Gary's wife. I was formed to fellowship with God and to glorify Him. I can still do that!

10-09-07 - This song has blessed my heart today from Fernando Ortega's album, In a Welcome Field. For so many the guai treatment becomes a time of 'passing through the fire.' In the end we will not only come out healthier, but refined.

This last week, for the first time in 17 years I ate one of my homemade cinnamon rolls! I didn't have one single bad reaction like I've had in the past when I ate anything with yeast; Candida overgrowth, IBS, sinus congestion, headaches, etc. This may seem insignificant, but it's one of MANY insignificant improvements made in the last 7 years that add up to going from a debilitated woman, to a busy, holding-down-a-job-again woman.

As many of you know from past posts, my first few years on the guaifenesin treatment were hard for me. I struggled with debilitating fatigue, depression and brain fog along with painful, purging cycles. I often wondered if I was ever going to be able to stay out of bed for more than a day. My third and fourth year I saw real improvement in all of these areas, even though they persisted. Migraines were completely gone and rarely did I have a sinus infection. In the fifth year, I seemed to turn the corner. I was writing again and no longer needed naps. Although brain fog was still debilitating at times, I was having weeks with better retention and alertness. Severe depression had become a thing of the past.

As many of you know, this year has been one of extreme highs and extreme lows for me. Finishing my book and seeing the final result was exciting and a testament to the work of guaifenesin. Going through a divorce from a 35 year marriage, rebuilding my life and starting a job outside of the home has been extremely difficult. Yet at the same time, I'm rejoicing that my body has not collapsed under all the stress and unbelievably, it continues to improve as I faithfully take my guaifenesin! Even though I use 'crutches' to help the retention and brain fog problems that still haunt me during purging cycles, I'm excited about being back out in the working world.

Newbies and struggling Oldies, take heart from my testimony. If you're wondering if the guai is really worth all the pain and suffering you're going through, YES it is! It does work. Maybe not as fast as you would like or as easy as you had hoped for. But if you persevere, you too will be able to give a great progress report.

I know how hard it is to continue in the face of difficulty, especially in the beginning when there's no indication of any success. But keep journaling and soon you'll begin to record small improvements that add up to noticeable progress. If you've been at it for several years and still struggling as I did, keep going! Be patient, and you too will turn the corner.

10-27-07- Today I went to Cici's with Michael, Mikey and Cherylyn and ate pizza for the first time in 17 years! It tasted SO good! So many yummy things have yeast and so for years I've had to eliminate it from my diet because of the various reactions I would have from the yeast. It seems like such a small thing to be able to eat pizza again, but it sure brightened up my day! Guai is my hero!

12-02-07 - (Post sent to GuaiGroup) My grandson turned two this week and it brought back memories of when he was born and how this coming January will be the two year anniversary of taking care of him every Wednesday. As I reminisced I remembered having to lie down that first year while he was sleeping and many times, during a purge, I would have to lay on the floor while he played.

Now I can't even remember the last time I laid down while taking care of him. Now there's energy to take him on walks, play outside with him and do my daughter's laundry in between. When I get home, I don't feel exhausted like I used to feel. If I have time, I go walk 1-2 miles after caring for him. What a miraculous change!

Recently I've been talking with a woman who has just realized she has fibromyalgia and will be seeing a doctor and starting the treatment soon. Most of the time, she can't talk about it without crying. (We've all been there, haven't we?) She has been teaching dancing most of her life and has just had to give up her job because her muscles become too exhausted. Seeing her frustration and hopelessness reminded me of where I was 7 years ago...in the same place with those same feelings. Even though I've encouraged her to have hope because of guaifenesin, she will still have to grieve.

I want to encourage all Newbies to hang on to that sliver of hope you now have that you will be normal again some day. It will happen, sooner or later! In the meantime, let yourself grieve. From my observation, everyone who has fibromyalgia has to deal with grief. Whether it’s grieving over the loss of our mind or physical body or even a lost job, a career or a dream for one, we all seem to go through that dark and lonely valley of grief, at one time or another. Then, much to our dismay, we find out that this journey of grief isn’t a one-time experience. As new circumstances, different events, or new FM symptoms arise, they cruelly remind us of either something we’ve lost or something we can never have. And we once again go through the grieving process that depresses our sense of well-being.

The length of time it takes to journey through this valley of grief is unique to each individual. We can’t compare our lengthy grieving process to another’s seemingly easy acceptance of their life. The extent of their loss may not be the same as ours, especially if they’ve had fibromyalgia all their life and don’t know anything different. The level to which our fibromyalgia has progressed will also determine the depths of our bereavement.

The word grief has a negative connotation, but we need to remember that grieving is good for us. Grief is in itself medicine for our depressed state. Our feelings are only healed when we allow ourselves to experience and express them on a daily basis. Taking it one day at a time as we experience each new situation or event that triggers our grief and sharing how we feel, is a step toward acceptance of our disease and a leap in the right direction of experiencing peace with our disease and our reversal.

There WILL come a day when you are no longer grieving. There WILL come a day when you will be busy rebuilding your life. There WILL come a day when YOU will be mentoring a Newbie. Your perseverance and patience while the guaifenesin gradually does its work in your body will build character and help you be the encourager who comes alongside another suffering fibromyalgic! This will all happen only if you DON'T GIVE UP! There is a season for everything. A time to mourn. A time to heal. And a time to rejoice!

01-11-2008 - Today I was reading the beginning years in my guaifenesin journal, it's hard to believe that I'm reading about myself. I never thought 8 years ago that today I would be at a place physically where I could get out and work full-time again. A few months ago, I was quite apprehensive about how I would do that. I sit here in awe as I think of all I did this week and still feel good.

Monday I worked 8 hours, then went and walked 2 miles and then went home and fixed a stew. Tuesday, I worked 8 hours, then walked 3 miles and then spent some time on the computer. The following days have been just about as busy. What a miracle! It's almost seems to good to be true--but it is! Thanks to Dr. St. Amand, Claudia and guaifenesin! To not feel depressed, anxious, weary and just so terribly fatigued is so much more than I had expected. Of course, working with family does help, but I still stand amazed at the energy my cells now have!

Next week I will begin training to coach the very beginning levels of gymnastics along with working in the gym’s office. My brain fog has cleared even more in the past 6 months, however retaining information continues to be somewhat of a problem. I'm having some problem with my right knee. It is somewhat swollen in the back and if I squat or sit with my leg bent for a few minutes, I'm experiencing quite a bit of pain when I first put the foot down and begin to walk. But I have hope that this too will soon pass.

Today driving back from the track, I realized recently not only can I now look over my left shoulder for traffic; I can do it pain-free! Something I haven't been able do to since 1995.

The guaifenesin treatment is miraculous! It reverses fibromyalgia! Oh how I wish I could give newbies and all those scared to start the treatment a pill that contains courage to start the treatment or courage to hang in there day after day as they wait for the gradual improvements to take place. I wish I could give a pill that contains hope. Hope that the reversal is taking place and that someday their cells will also be full of energy again and the FM symptoms will gradually have disappeared.

02-04-2008 - I have come to the conclusion that my body isn't well enough to physically spot children as I would have to do in coaching gymnastics. My brain is also not at a place where I am able to learn and assimilate all the new information to coach a sport I have never participated in. I have hope that God is going to bring along another job that will be perfect for me!

Many of you know me and know that I've been on the treatment 7+ years and have recently started working again. Due to circumstances in my life, I wasn't able to slowly ease back into the working world. Many of you encouraged me to just work part-time and see how I did. I haven't had the luxury of doing that since those few hours don't pay the bills.

So I've been working 40+ hours now for several months and so far, besides being quite tired the weeks I'm doing some purging, my body is holding up. What a miracle that after being so debilitated, I can work and be pretty near normal again! (You can read about how debilitated I was in the earlier years in my journal.)

Since my brain and horrible muscle fatigue were the first two areas that presented when my fibromyalgia was triggered after a bout of mono, my brain has been the last to get back to normal. Granted, it's improved enough to go back to work in two different offices, learning all the information needed to assist in one and manage the other. And then do some bookkeeping for my daughter and son-in-law's business. I'm amazed at times at all the information my brain can now assimilate and actually remember. However, I still have weeks of brain fog. It's not debilitating as it once was, but nevertheless, it still haunts me. And I still have weeks when my retention is bad, and I have to go back an reread all my notes that are piling up.

After 23 years, from when my debilitating symptoms presented, I'm still convinced that humor is one of the things that gets all of us through the hard times. Last week, the man who has been training me to manage the church office, was showing me how to use the fax machine. When I was working outside the home back in the '80's, I didn't have to use a fax machine. I needed to fax some legal documents and we went ahead and sent it. He was talking to me so I got a little distracted. When I looked down to check that all was finished so I could go on to the next thing on my list, I saw my two 'faxed' sheets laying on the table and I said, "Great, they're still here." Dylan looked at me and said, " Now Carol, I just know you know that paper can't go through the lines." Of course I was thoroughly embarrassed because that is exactly what I was thinking, "Why are they still here if I faxed them?" I think at that moment Dylan truly understood what I meant when I said, "I do still have problems with brain fog."

I have been blessed with great jobs and great people who are willing to work with me and my lingering FM symptoms. I have been so blessed to find out about the guaifenesin treatment and then have Dr. St. Amand and Claudia correspond with me and help me as I've journeyed down the reversal road.

If you are a newbie or someone contemplating the guaifenesin treatment, go to my website and read about how bad-off I once was. Be encouraged that some day you too will be able to write a post such as this one and be another guaifenesin miracle! Don't stop because the treatment is too hard. You're fibromyalgia is just going to get worse. Stop doubting whether you can persevere through the hard purges. If I've been able to do it, anyone can. BELIEVE that you will one day be normal again! Have HOPE that some day you will look back and know that your guaifenesin journey has been worth all the pain and sorrow!