Wow!  I’m starting my third year on Guaifenesin! I wonder what this year holds in store for me.

 8-02-02 – I have been having serious bouts of anxiety attacks.  It's hard to explain.  It has nothing to do with what I’m thinking.  My mind will suddenly come alert in the morning and I will feel anxious with a feeling of pending doom.  I’ll have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like a very heavy ball.  If I get up and go walking, by the time I get back the feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone and most of the anxious feelings are gone.  Some days, I have problems off and on all day.  I now know for sure that I have reversed to the early ‘90’s because I had serious problems with this at that time. 

I remember a feeling of anxiety taking over and I would have thoughts like, “I wonder where Cherylyn is?” (She was 5 at the time)  I would then have to tell myself, “She’s in school.  I remember walking her to school.”  I would go through the process, in my mind, of walking her to the school and her going in with her teacher.  Or I would think, “Oh no, is it past time to pick Cherylyn up from school?  Did I forget to go get her?”

Back then, I didn’t know why I was having such a problem with anxiety attacks.  I thought I was going nuts. I went to a doctor and made the mistake of telling him that I was very depressed and was even having thoughts like, “It would just be better if I were dead”.  He thought it was the typical problems of a “ middle-aged women who’s stressed”.   He even explained to me, with a diagram, when I would most likely be prone to committing suicide.  After that visit, I fell into real depression.  I now know that it is a symptom of this disease, Fibromyalgia. 

8-23-02 – I’m walking 1.4 – 2 miles a day, four times a week.  Some weeks, it's really hard to make myself get out there and walk.  Especially, when I’m cycling and ache so bad all over.  It has become my memorization and prayer time, so I look forward to that time alone.  I really enjoy the time, though, when Cherylyn walks with me.

9-30-02 – October was a VERY hard month for me.  I had so many days when I felt so tired.  It’s the kind of fatigue that I had in the early ‘90’s where I feel numb.  The words that best describe me are apathy and lassitude.   I’ve been dealing with depression.  Not the ‘I feel lonely and sad” kind of depression.  It's more the result of the apathy and listlessness.  It feels like there’s a short in a circuit in my brain and so it just isn’t working. I pray for patience and long-suffering to get through this time.

I’ve been meditating on the name that God used with Abraham. El Shaddai is the name God used with Abraham.   He was saying, "Every need that you encounter, every difficulty that you face, I am sufficient for it" 

I have to choose daily to believe this.  To take God at His word and trust Him to be what I need.  That is what faith is all about.  In spite of the circumstances that seem to say ‘God doesn’t love you”  “God doesn’t care about your suffering”, I will choose to believe what He says in His Word to me.  “I love you” “I am sufficient for every difficulty you will face today”  “Trust in ME”

11-15-02 - Hey Shelly, I’ve been meditating on the thought that what I am going through is NOT a Divine oversight.  My affliction has a three-fold purpose that Chuck Swindoll mentioned, on the radio this morning that is very thought provoking.

“I will become stable as a result of more maturity.  I will become submissive as a result of being crushed.  I will become sensitive as a result of being awakened”

Although at times, I must admit, I don't care if any of the three above happen.  But then, I just tell God how I feel and continue down the path He has chosen for me, trusting Him to take care of the emotional upheaval that comes with this disease....:)  He knows I'm human and that I will fight and kick against the rocks, boulders and gullies in my pathway of becoming more like Him.  In spite of my anger, rebellion and unbelief, He STILL loves me!! :)

Dec I9- 02 – I was so pleased when I made my cranberry bread Monday that I was able to do it all by myself.  I can hardly believe that I used to have Cherylyn juice the oranges and cut up the cranberries for me.  I didn't have enough energy to do it by myself.  Yesterday I made sweet rolls and was praising the Lord for the energy that I had to do that.  Thankfully, though, Cherylyn came home from work and did all my dirty dishes for me!! :) So, right now I'm having some good days and I hope it last another week!!

Jan-10-03 – Yesterday Shelly, Cherylyn and I went downtown by The Alamo to walk around and see the sights.  We parked at the federal building because the first thing we did was going in to have Shelly’s social security card corrected.  We then walked several blocks to eat lunch at a little steak house.  We window-shopped and then decided we wanted to go to The Market Square and decided to walk, not realizing how far it was.  We walked about 11/2 miles to get there.  We decided to have tea in one of the shops that have fresh, baked goods.  By the time we were done, it was after 5pm and we realized that we had better high-tail it back to the federal building to get Shelly’s car before it got towed away…we walked back at a very fast clip.  Shelly and Cherylyn kept glancing at me with a question in their eyes, “Are you doing okay?”  We kept going. 

As I lay in bed that night, reviewing the day in my mind, I was overwhelmed with joy and thanksgiving.  I began to thank God for the progress that has taken place in my health.  We walked more than 3 miles.  Ate in two different restaurants.  Walked around in the exhaust and fumes that used to really give me problems (main reason why I quit going downtown).  When I got home I didn’t have that horrible, drained, exhausted feeling I used to get after going downtown.  Thank you Lord!

Jan 30-03 – I’ve gone 6 weeks without hard cycling!  It's been wonderful!  I sent this email out to family and friends today-

 “I just want to share with you all my progress on this new treatment. I have been on Dr St. Amand’s treatment for fibromyalgia for 21/2 years now.  It took me nine months, corresponding with Dr. Amand, to find the dose that is right for me.

As I have shared with many of you, this treatment reverses this disease.  Every two months on the proper dose and with no salicylate blocking, a person should reverse at least one year of accumulated metabolic debris.  So I figure I have reversed about 101/2 years now.

This has been a very hard journey, but well worth all the pain and tears!!  I can’t write all the improvements because there have been big improvements and very small ones.  But I do want to describe a ‘good’ day to you compared to how my day used to be.

I now wake up in the morning after 7-8 hours of sleep instead of the 10-12 hours that I once needed.  When I wake up, I now feel rested and not like I was run over by a truck and can’t move.

I now can once again, after 15 years, enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.  It doesn’t make my glands hurt and give me horrible fatigue.  I was a coffeeholic, in my better days, so you other cofeeholics can understand how much I’m enjoying coffee again!

I can now shower and wash my hair without feeling like a wet noodle when I’m done, feeling so exhausted that I’d have to go lie down for awhile.  I can once again use scented shampoos and conditioners, which means I can use the better hair products! I can now wear certain perfumes again.

I can now eat without having to go lie down while the digestion process goes on, zapping my energy.

I can now read my Bible and other books and not have to reread a sentence three times, trying to understand something very simple that my brain just can’t grasp.  My memory has improved enough that I’m able to meditate on what I’ve read or what I want to write.

Last month I was amazed when I realized at the end of the day all I had accomplished.  I had washed clothes, baked cinnamon rolls and copied some tapes for a friend all going on at the same time.  You can’t understand what an achievement this is unless you have fibromyalgia. 

Getting the laundry washed.  Getting a meal on the table for the family.  Running errands. Going grocery shopping.  Cleaning the bathrooms. Vacuuming and cleaning the house.  If any of these things were accomplished in a single day, I would go to bed happy that I was able to get one thing done.

Multiple tasks for me were difficult not only because of the horrible fatigue, but a real lack of concentration.  Most days my brain just didn’t want to function.   I wasted so much time because I couldn’t remember from one minute to the next what I was doing.  Many times I felt like a rat in a maze.  The days of sitting and being in my ‘stare mode’ are long gone!

I am able to wash my car again.  Used to be too fatiguing.  I am now walking 1-11/2 miles 3-4 times a week depending on how the cycling is going.  I can now go shopping or just ‘out’ of my safe zone, my home, and return without feeling like I have the flu.  It no longer takes days to recuperate from an ‘outing’.

I now, only occasionally, suffer from the debilitating headaches that were a constant companion in my life.

My diet has improved immensely.  I’m no longer reacting to food like I used to.  I’m still not able to eat packaged or prepared foods.  I’m able to go out and eat in the restaurants again.

There are many, many more improvements. But I’ll stop with this much.  All in all I praise God for leading me to the book that Dr. St. Amand wrote that got me going on this treatment.  I thank you all for your many prayers for me over the years.  I will still have some bumpy roads ahead and will need your prayers for me that I may have patience and perseverance in this treatment.  Most of all that I will choose to submit to the Almighty’s hand.  My cycling periods have really improved, but I still have ‘bad days’.  Although, now there are longer periods of relief in between cycles. J  Best of all, I now know the pain comes before more improvement!”

5-8-03 Hi Dad...One thing I have learned with my physical disability is that I have to live one day at a time.  Years ago, when I was really struggling with this whole thing, I saw many articles on the word hope.  Basically, they've proven scientifically, that people who have hope in their recovery of their illnesses, physical disabilities, etc. improve faster than those that don't.  These verses became precious to me, Rom. 12:12 "Be joyful in hope....", 1 Th. 1:3b "...your endurance inspired by hope."  I try to take it one day at a time choosing each day to have hope that I am going to be healed.  Even though, some days it seems impossible, I hope that healing is there in the future.  In the meantime, my hope is in God that he will supply all I need to get through it with a good, unselfish attitude. God has helped me to find joy and endurance!

I was watching TV last night when Gary came in to the living room and started his stretching and warming up for his 3 mi. walk that he does a few time every week.  After awhile he said, sort of disgusted and in his dry sounding voice, "The stretching and warm-ups that I do for my 3mi walk is what other men do to run their Marathons."  As he went out the door he said, "I love old age..." I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels ‘old’ around here anymore!!! J

5-17-03 Hey Joy… I have not been doing well since the last two weeks in March.  It has been a very hard cycle.  It's normal after a person has been on this treatment 2 years or more to have more painful cycles, once in awhile, because the drug has gotten to the tendons and ligaments that are by a person's nerves, thus all the pain.  The pain is like when you have the flu with a very high fever plus more concentration of the pain in the larger muscles as in the butt and thigh areas. My fatigue has been extremely bad too, like it was in the late 80's and early 90's.  I just want to lie down or sit and stare…very unproductive.  Then I have to deal with guilt feelings because I’m not getting anything done…I’m just lying around….

I got through it all and I'm doing better now.  I've asked God many times lately, "How much longer is this going to go on?"  When you write and say you've been praying for me because I've been on your mind, it's like God saying, "I love you and I will impress others to pray for you so that you can get through this!"  Thank you so much for letting God use you to encourage me and help me through this difficult part of my journey, with your prayers!!

When I'm hurting and wondering how I can go another day, I think of the blessings in my life.  The fact that my children live here in the same town as me is a wonderful blessing that I do not take lightly!  The fact that I have friends, such as you in my life, is just another one of those very precious blessings in my life.  Thank you for your continued prayer support and love shown to me down through the years, Joy!

May 6-03 - Hi Mom…I'm still going through a very difficult time.  It’s going on 7 weeks now.  I'm cycling tendons and that is the most painful of all.  I had to go to the doctor, last week,  about the swelling and pain in my right elbow.  She said that it’s tendonitis and that there’s nothing that can be done except to give me anti-inflammatory drugs which I don’t want.  She suggested buying an arm band that athletes wear that have this problem.  It is helping.  When I don’t wear it, I have severe pain in my elbow area when I go to use my arm. It’s uncomfortable and hot…hopefully I won’t have to wear it for too long!  (I ended up having this problem for 1/1/2 years when it gradually cleared up and is totally gone now).

The way I've been feeling, I wouldn't be able to go to Laura's graduation even if I had been planning on it.  Shelly asked me if she, Cherylyn and I could do something Thursday in between Cherylyn's 'done with school' and going to work at the gym full-time on the 9th.  I said, ' I would love to, but I'm just going to have to see how my legs are doing...."  They ache so bad behind my knees and upper part of my thighs that I just want to sit or lie down.  I don't think I could shop with this pain. Hopefully, better days are ahead in the near future!!

6-04-03 Dear Joy…I'm doing much better.  I had a horrendous headache last week for three days.  Between the pain and drugs I have to take for those headaches to be tolerable, it usually wipes me out for several days after they are gone.  But, this time, I was able to recover from it sooner than I have in the past. That is progress!!  I am doing better...I'm able to go on my morning walks again.  Thank you for asking and for your concern!!

6-02-03       Hi Connie…. I was down last week three days with a horrendous headache... Usually those headaches wipe me out for several days, but I am now recovering from them much faster.  I felt well enough Friday to go to a gymnastics meet that was being held here in San Antonio.  It was sort of surreal to see Shannon Miller and Kim Zemeskel (don't know if you're familiar with those names and the sport) there in person at the meet.  I was so pleased that even though I was at the meet for three hours, I didn’t have any of my usual side effects that I’ve had in the past going to such events; horrible fatigue, bad headache, terrible backache…etc.  I AM getting better!!!! J

6-05-03 Hey Cindy,….. I've been mediatating on Ps.46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble"  The words ever-present stood out to me this past month.  He is here NOW to help with whatever my trouble may be.  I find that comforting

6-13-03 Hey Theresa,…. I'm doing so much better these days!  So I've been busy catching up on things that got left undone when I was doing so bad.....

6-30-03 Hi Dad,…. .  I have jury duty tomorrow which I'm going to try and get out of because I really can't do something like that for that long with my chemical intolerances.  Perfumes and Colognes still give me sinus infections, headaches and loss of concentration....don't think I'd do too good on a jury, in a closed in area..:(

7-05-03 Hey Theresa,  …I had jury duty last week (doctor wouldn’t sign a note for me) that kind of sent me for a loop.  But I was glad to see that I didn’t have the severe reactions that I had anticipated from being in a closed area with all the perfumes and colognes.  Just a little fatigue and brain fog… that only lasted a day or two.  Luckily, I didn't get picked.  I was there from 8am to 3:30pm.....too long!!!

7-30-03 My dear friend, Joy,…. I'm not sure where the summer has gone!!  I have been feeling better.  I've been able to steadily walk 1/1/2 miles everyday so that's a big improvement.  I haven't been on my computer lately because my brain just doesn't want to function lately.  I'm not in the physical pain I was in up until about two months ago.  But now, my brain feels like there's a major short in the circuit!!  It's very hard to type or talk (both of which I have LOVED to do in the past)  :) So I guess that's why you haven't heard from me.....my hope is that when it passes, my brain will be back to a more normal state, unlike it has been the past 13 years.....

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